Hannah

25 Apr Hannah

At night as I sit in the quiet and rock my sweet baby girl to sleep I often find myself reminiscing about how I got here. By here I mean with the sweetest, most ornery one year old boy with a smile so bright I swear my heart skips a beat when one is thrown my way sleeping across the hallway. And my sweet beautiful, little girl with the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen curled up on my chest. I think all the time about how I could’ve missed this.
When my husband, Rob, and I were faced with infertility I was devastated. The only thing I was ever sure of was that I wanted to be a mom. I remember sobbing, daily for a while, as my sweet husband promised me it would be ok and that God had a plan. Rob always held out more hope than I did, he’s a naturally glass half full kinda guy, which borders on his sweetest and most annoying trait 😂

We made the difficult decision to not pursue medical interventions as it carried some pretty major risk for me due to some other medical factors. We instead decided to open our home to foster care. Something we had always planned to do down the road but decided to use this time of waiting to love on kiddos who needed what we had to offer. After almost a year of the licensing process a sweet 6lb 7oz baby boy made his way into our home. We were terrified. And we were SO in love. We quickly found our new normal as a family of 3. the first month of being new parents flew by. Then I started not feeling well, I chalked it up to the sleep deprivation and anxiety but God had a funnier ending in mind.

November 8, 2018, after a little under 3 years of waiting, we had our beautiful daughter Hattie. Sweet baby C was 9 months and 1 week old at that time. Life got crazy, quickly, but it was so beautiful. I never thought I’d get to a point in my life where I was so thankful for all the heartache and unanswered prayers. If you would’ve told me that one day the pain and shame that I carried would feel worth it I wouldn’t have believed you for a second.

I think of all I could’ve missed if one piece of the puzzle hadn’t fell into place. I’ll forever be thankful for a God whose plans are so much better than my own and the support system that got us through. If you’re struggling please know that you are not alone and it is not your fault. Find a community, whether online or local to you of women who get it, somedays I think that’s the only way I got through it. Hattie, C and I remember you every night in our prayers 💙💕