Rachel

22 Apr Rachel

I am 1 in 8. I debated on whether or not I should write a post for National Infertility Awareness Week. I didn’t want it to come off as a “look at me” moment but I felt like I needed to share my experience and our journey and share some of the moments that helped me realize how blessed I am/we are and maybe give others hope. Our journey hasn’t been as difficult as some but it hasn’t been the easiest. First and foremost each year since we decided we were ready to start a family has been a different piece of a large puzzle. Each moment has helped get us closer to the big picture that God has created for us. Some moments have been very discouraging and heart breaking and I thought that I’d never be able to fill the hole in my heart.  Infertility can be a horrible diagnosis for any one, especially someone who has dreamed of being a mother since I was a little girl. After doctoring for a little while we were blessed with our first pregnancy and Harper made us into a family in December of 2010. She was a true joy and we loved our little family. However, it felt like we were missing something, a sibling for Harper.  We struggled, for a long time, and after finally getting pregnant we were so excited knowing that we were going to give Harper a brother or sister. I bought her the ‘Big Sister’ shirt and thought of ways to share our announcement with others. Then one evening I felt a pain in my abdomen like no other, I didn’t know what it was but it continued to get worse.  I remember so much about that day, I had taken Harper to the splash pad and took so many pictures of her that day.  I will always remember that day, it was right before Father’s Day. At the hospital I learned that I was dealing with pain from an ectopic pregnancy and needed to be rushed to surgery to have the pregnancy removed. It was a gut wrenching moment when the doctor told me I had an ectopic pregnancy, I knew what it meant but Jeremy wasn’t aware of what was going on.  Through the tears I had to explain what was happening after the ER doctor left the room. I was in pain from the bleeding of the ectopic pregnancy and I remember being rolled back to a room waiting to be rolled into the operating room, I sat there staring at a picture on a wall, all alone, tears streaming down my face, waiting. Once in the operating room I had to lay flat and that caused the pain to intensify and the tears to pour down my face. I was scared, and felt so alone in a room filled with people. I just remember the nurse saying “hurry, put her out” to which I am glad, I felt a peace from being put under. I don’t really remember a whole lot about recovery, other than I have a few scares on my abdomen to remind me of the first baby we lost. I remember that Father’s Day was hard, I don’t know if it was harder for Jeremy or me, but it was rough. When it was time to follow up with our fertility doctor we were told that after experiencing an ectopic pregnancy they advise that you do IVF if you don’t get pregnant after 3 more cycles since your rate of another ectopic pregnancy is so much higher.  Needless to say we had to do IVF, we were very fortunate that as expensive as IVF can be, we had insurance that helped cover some of the cost, it still wasn’t cheap, but made it an option we were able to afford.  After numerous shots and doctor visits we were able to do our first embryo transfer. That was how we were blessed with Riggs, a special little guy that brings each of us so much joy. I was so in love with this new baby and seeing him grow and the special bond Harper and he shared that we knew we wanted to return to the doctor to add to our family.  We did a frozen embryo transfer and felt very confident that things would work out very well for us, especially after the doctor said our embryos looked as good as fresh embryos. It wasn’t long after I learned that I was pregnant that the spotting started. I tried to remain positive and prayed that it was just a bump along the way and that all would turn out just fine. However on a Saturday morning in late August I miscarried, it was a startling experience that is more than some would care to read. I just remember calling Jeremy telling him what was happening and he was going to rush home. I was able to get through the day, distracted with the celebration of my mom and sister’s birthday party.  It helped me and since no one knew about what was going on, I was able to just sort of forget about it all. It was a struggle in the weeks to come, I felt like I tried to move on so quick that I never gave myself time to mourn. I try to be strong but there were many nights I cried myself to sleep.  After accepting what had happened and knowing that there was a reason this wasn’t meant to be we had made plans to return to our fertility doctor later that year. When the time came to return to the doctor I was told that we would have to wait another month because the lab closes for the holidays and we couldn’t get in there until the new year.  Our bubble burst, I was so heartbroken. I managed to keep myself very busy with the holidays and all the happening of the end of the year and distracted myself from what was going on. That was the first time in our entire journey of infertility that I truly didn’t think about having a baby. I knew we were going to be returning to the doctor after the holidays and it was going to be ok.  Well lo and behold, our little miracle baby, our rainbow baby happened during that time. All this time I had been praying for others that were hoping to get pregnant and have a family of their own, I didn’t know that I was included too. Everly joined our family in August 2016 and yet again we are amazed at our blessings. When Everly was around a year old we felt the desire to added to our family again and we returned to the fertility doctor to do another frozen embryo transfer (FET) and we added another piece to our family puzzle, Lainey joined our family in July 2019. As some will tell you, with each child joining the family, life gets harder and a little more hectic. I remember when Everly was little I began to feel overwhelmed and disappointed with myself as a parent. At night I’d go to bed and feel like I growled and grumbled more than I hugged and kissed my kids. I was feeling sorry for myself and how “hard” life was. Then, while scrolling through facebook one day, I came across and article [http://faithit.com/why-god-took-so-long-give-me-baby-rebekah-fox/] as I read the article tears began to pour down my face. I remember feeling like it was a ‘slap in the face’ from God saying that he blessed us with each of these children and I should be grateful for every little moment with them. I realized then, that the Rachel with no kids, struggling to get pregnant would have taken the moments where I felt like I was defeated as a mom, just because I would know that I was a mom. I realized that being a mom isn’t always glorious, there are moments that you hate how you handled a situation and we are our own worst critic but we are human, we make mistakes, and it’s okay to admit that. I can honestly say that every night as I get in bed, I am able to look past the moments that might not have been the best and just realize how blessed I am to be a mother to each of our children. Infertility isn’t fair and it sure isn’t fun but it is part of our puzzle and I can’t wait to see what other pieces will be added to our big picture.  I know that it’s a special one that God has created just for us and that tells me that it will be perfect.